One of the
most challenging aspects of any marriage is differences in desire. It is particularly difficult when the
discrepancy is vast. Not only do you
want it a lot, but your wife seems to hardly ever want it. Even when she does, she doesn't seem to enjoy
herself very much. Here are some ways to
help the situation:
1) Ask yourself—what are you doing
outside the bedroom? Sex is not an
isolated incident. For women, sex is
part of a greater experience of intimacy.
Physical intimacy should begin far before you enter the bedroom—and by
that we mean that loving acts, kind words, help with housework, and some
flirtation are good ways to begin the process.
While you may not need time to awaken interest, your wife likely will.
2) Work on your emotional relationship.
How is your relationship in general?
Do you seem to argue a lot? Are
you on the same page with parenting?
Working on your emotional intimacy and closeness may help her feel that
she wants to be closer to you physically. If you are feeling disconnected from
each other, it's no wonder why your wife may not be interested in intimacy. We
have found that working on your marriage often is the key to creating more
intimacy in your marriage as the absence of sex is often symptomatic of greater
relationship issues.
3) Are
you going too fast? Are you even
trying to please her? Try to have a long
span of foreplay (30-45 minutes) so that she can become sufficiently
interested. Ask her what makes her feel good and focus on giving to her. By
becoming other focused, you will have both feel more connected.
4) Ask
her if you are hurting her—physically-speaking. If she is experiencing any genital pain, that
is a very good reason why she does not have interest in intimacy Talk to her
directly about this and ask for her openness and honesty. If she is experiencing vaginal pain, she
should speak to her gynecologist right away as a first step to solving the
pain. If that does not help, consider
seeing a sex therapist.
5) Talk to her about how you feel about your
intimate life. Tell her how much you love her and wish you
could connect more on this level.
